Some people say I’ve gone over the bend. Gone nuts, out of my mind, lost it, went bananas, rented the upper flat, flew off the handle, blew my top, dove in the deep end, popped my cork, went apeshit crazy crazy crazy crazy madinsanecrazylookinhiseyesthey’vegone darklikethedevilheisthedevilleavehimalonestayawaykidshouldbelockedupthrownawaykilled.
But they don’t know anything. They don’t know they don’t know they don’t know theydon’tknowthey do n’t k no w- Know. I’m not. I’m not any of those things. I’m not any of those things I’m more. I didn’t just dive into the deep end, I drank the whole ocean swam in it breathed lived threw it up again because the seabeds were looking so empty so sad and that wouldn’t do oh no it wouldn’t. Know. No. Now.
Now you’re looking at me inching away. I can see you. I can see your eyes wide big blank unblinking mask of politeness put on tight watching me wondering when it would be socially acceptable to leave leave me leave you leave us leave this mortal plane we are on that is nothing nothing nothing. You are nothing. I see you. I see your words too. I see your words too and I see mine, every where, ev er y w h er e in the sky in the air in your face written everywhere just words words yours mine theirs everyone’s words just floating that never go away so I can never stay because then I can’t breathe I can’t be it just gets so full with letters are you regretting you sat next to me? Regretting you asked? Remorse. Remiss. Renounce. Reimburse. Revenge. Rewrite. Your face is horrified. I don’t blame you. My face is horrified all the time too.
It’s like living in a thesaurus. A thesaurus mashed with dictionary mashed with an episode of Barney where the Cookie Monster spells things over and over and over and I never get to eat. Synonyms adjectives nouns verbs everywhere alive alive and I can’t escape. Not since I fell into the lab’s new invention. Not since I died and came back again this monster of literature that used to love reading but now can’t thinkbreatheeatlivesleep just words words everywhere everywhere EVERYWHERE. Everywhere when they say action speak louder than words and I just sit there shaking wondering hating loathing stop don’t open your mouth shut up shut up shut up shut up and listen.
Nothing’s sacred anymore. When you see I Love Yous where your loved ones once were after they left you because you couldn’t listen as they yelled at you in big block letters and cried in ugly bold ones love is just another word humans say like a bandaid to hide the other words they don’t. Lies big and fat dripping unlike the truth that flashes red in the black print of my universe. My universe my world my dimension that is just like yours but with the pages of your speech all over my eyeballs burned into my retina scrambling to find a place in my brain.
They say I am insane. I’ve gone over the bend, eaten bananas, fried the control centre, rented my soul, broken the handle, hit the ball too hard, knocked on the noggin.
I am so much more.
I am you.
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TEXT: JOHARA ALMOGBEL
ART: AZIZ